To my first born son
Today you would have been 38, how those years have flown by, even quicker since that awful day in July 2009, the day you died. Has my life been defined by being a mother who’s lost a child? In many ways the answer to that question has to be a resounding YES.
I made a presentation on careers day at the Saracens High School a few years ago to a group of Year 10 students I told them about you. One lad, 15 at most listened quietly then asked his question. ‘Do you live the way you do because you lost your son?’ That gave me the chance to consider and my answer to him was, that yes, I probably do!
No parent should lose a child and no child a parent, both are tragedies no one should have to bear. And so my son, back to you.
Your early years were a joy, born the day after you were due, you slept through the night at 6 weeks, making the shock of the 6 months for your sister Alexandra and 2 years for Jake something of a challenge! My early memories of you were as an easy going little boy, you were the one that got bitten at playgroup, on the face once! Never the one doing the biting!
You got to 7 and had a little sister a new baby brother and a Dad who’d made other choices. That, was a huge blow to you, I’ll never forget your reaction when I told you he’d be leaving, ‘Oh no!” a big blow at such an age.
Your family then grew within a very short time and you had an older brother and another younger sister, the fact that your Step-Dad was also your Headteacher must have been a difficult thing to contemplate!
As I look back now there were plenty of signs that would be recognised today as ADHD at the very least, but back then you were just seen as a naughty boy when you got to Secondary School. Had I known then what I know now things might have gone differently.
I could pick out the boys, and it was mostly boys, at primary school who would fail at the secondary school you went to, there was definitely a common thread.
I was blind to many of the things you were getting involved in, again looking back , I turned a blind eye to the smoking then the drinking as the smoking turned into something far more damaging as cannabis became an issue. Anyone who doesn’t believe that drug is a problem really needs to reconsider, how does a teenager fund that habit for one thing.
Being the 2nd person in Essex to have an ASBO tells some of your story, but really isn’t representative of you as a person. Yes, you were a nuisance but you never hurt anyone and in fact would have been quick to help anyone who needed it.
The local Essex police wanted to ‘get you’, that may well have been because of the time and cost it took for them to get their ASBO in place. From the mouth of the police solicitor when I went to get a change – ‘well the mother did cost us a lot of money’. I suspect that was some of the reason for the endless time we spent in court.
A £750 find for ‘swearing within the hearing of a PCSO’ comes to mind as a totally over the top and unfair response. For that particular offence you were taken away by police officers knocking on our door in the early hours of the morning. Yet when an adult punched you so hard one Friday 13th that he knocked a tooth out, he was invited to the police station and faced no consequences.
Amazingly I’m writing this as I’m listening to a phone in about having faith in the police. You were sent to a young offenders ‘prison’ twice for breaching that Civil order, that being a Criminal offence. Spending. both your 17th and 18th birthday ‘banged up’. Those were such difficult years, having to make an appointment to see you once a fortnight.
I suppose my thoughts on writing about all of that is to be realistic about life with you Luke, it wasn’t easy, once you got to secondary school.
But, in spite of all of those travails you turned into a young man who would have helped anyone who needed that help. Kindness is THE most important trait in a human being in my opinion and in spite of what life had thrown at you (albeit often by your own actions) you had that in spades.
Thailand was a dream for you from around 15, your little notebooks with what were often wise words had it down as a must visit. The photos of your time there show just how much fun you had in the 3 months you were there. I’d say that for you those were the happiest days of your life. That at least is some small comfort considering how hard life became for you as a teenager.
2009 has now zoomed to 2025, those years have flown by, you have 3 nephews and 2 nieces all of whom you’d love to bits and vice versa.
As the Mother of a lost child it’s all of the what ifs and maybes that are so hard to contemplate. Would you have been a husband and father, gone on to have a good job? Those are things I can only wonder, no more photos or memories of you to have.
My life is full and happy, I’m determined to make my days ‘Happy Days’, my smiles are always genuine, I take great pleasure in the things I do on a daily basis. Yet, I will always have a deep pain at your loss. You are on my mind every day. I miss you and grieve for the many lost opportunities.
365 Happy Days 