365 Happy Days

As the 6th anniversary of the day Luke died approaches I’ve been in a strange place; I’m sure I’ve said before that I’ll always, always cry for my son and I guess as the 14th July rushes up again it’s understandable that this time of year can be a bit hard.

A lot of what I write about here is aimed at giving others in a similar position a glimpse at New Normal – life after a tragedy.  My view on life, the fact that it really is ok to be happy, ok to live life.

But, it’s also ok to cry, ok to feel sad.  I had the strangest evening a couple of weeks ago, I got home from work and put my keys on the side, my gaze was drawn to a pretty special photo of Luke taken at his Dad’s wedding the summer before he went to Thailand.  I’m going to try to explain how it made me feel.

As I looked at his face I had a total feeling of disbelief – it’s been nearly 6 years since my boy lost his life, yet for that moment i really couldn’t comprehend that it was true, couldn’t quite believe that I’ll never see his face again, never hear his voice, never put my arms around him.

As I’m writing this I admit I’m crying, sometimes the whole thing seems just too awful to contemplate, our children are not meant to die before us.  But, this happens to many people.  For one thing, young men in particular are foolhardy, they do really stupid things, there will always be accidents, many get away with them, but many don’t survive.

Luke had his accident in a country where the medical care was basic to say the least, would he have survived if it had happened here?  Maybe he would, but he had a head injury, I doubt he would have been my vital, naughty, charismatic son.

I tend not to be a what if type of person – what if I hadn’t paid for him to go to Thailand, what if he’d had the accident here, what if I’d found out sooner.  Nothing can change the fact that Luke died, nothing can bring him back.

I feel the same about all sorts of thoughts and emotions, lots express hate for another person.  There’s a Thai national out there who hit Luke while he was on a scooter then drove off, he was responsible for his death, although I accept Luke may have contributed.  Do I hate that man?  No, I don’t – he didn’t set out that morning to kill someone and will have to live with what happened for the rest of his life.

Hate is such a useless emotion, the only person it hurts is the person feeling it.  I found out when I was 9 months pregnant with Jake that my children’s Dad was having an affair – I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t upsetting – it was one very fine diet.  I lost half a stone in the 9 days it took for Jake to make an entrance.  Then went down to a size 10 within 6 weeks – and believe me I was the size of a house!

But, did i feel hate towards the ‘other woman’ – I can honestly say I didn’t at any time.  I felt hurt then had anger towards my husband for a while, but I didn’t hate either of them.   A different subject I know, but it really is your partner you have the ‘contract’ with, not the other party.  Don’t hate – it will only hurt you.

Well, that’s gone off on something of a tangent!

Some happy thoughts to write about to finish.  Luke had a best friend – I’m sure I’ve mentioned hie before – Oli.  The two were pretty much inseparable, they had an innate understanding of each other, they were always together.  I imagine it was devastating for Oli when we lost Luke, very hard to comprehend.

This week Oli became the very proud father of twins when his partner Terrie gave birth (naturally, how on earth!) to two gorgeous little boys!  I saw the news on Facebook and wow was so happy for them both, yet goodness it made me cry.  How to explain how I felt – well, I can’t really, deeply happy yet deeply sad all at the same time.

Luke totally adored babies, he would have lived on Terrie and Oli’s doorstep.  Several of the photos we got back from Thailand had Luke making little kids laugh – kindness was a real feature of this lad – troubled at times no doubt, but he always had time to make a child laugh or to comfort a crying baby.

I got a message from Oli yesterday with photos of these 2 gorgeous boys – with their names – Freddie George Cornett and the undoing of me – Bobby Luke Cornett.  I’m so incredibly touched that Oli and Terrie thought to use Luke’s name for one of their precious boys.  And goodness me, I’m still crying just typing it!  I can’t explain why, because I’m completely thrilled.

I suppose the motto of this particular rambling – is that while we have to find our way to our New Normal – crying is only right, I will always cry for Luke, I miss him each and every day.  But, I can honestly say I’m happy, my smile is a genuine one.  Kind gestures from caring people really help – I was brought some sunshine as I was sitting in my office this morning – mad me cry again though!

I’m sure I’ll write next week, a weekend of cricket lies ahead, maybe a few tears as Tuesday approaches but lots of smiling too.